Post by Mesonnia on May 26, 2004 11:49:53 GMT -5
This was an email I got and thought it was funny, the title is "Oneliners"
I can please only one person per day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Anonymous
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." / "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
My wife and I have sex doggy fashion every night. I sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead!
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Down with gravity!
Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. ....
Question: How would you describe a hostile takeover? Answer: First degree merger...
Successful acupuncture is a jab well done...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Don't think that you're thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? (my personal favorite:)
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
The male is a domestic animal that can be trained to do most things.
You've heard of party animals? I'm a party vegetable.
Why don't they just hire taller dancers instead of having all ballerinas dancing around on their toes?
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A man usually feels better after a few winks. You betchya, especially when she winks back.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If you want my opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the usual forms.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Just remember, man who argue with his woman all day get no peace at night!
Practice random senselessness and act kind of beautiful.
Human, the only animal that can be skinned more than once.
Women will probably stop faking orgasms when men stop faking foreplay.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
It's not life's fast pace that gets you, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Belly dancing is where beginners start in the middle and work outward.
When a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sects sects sects, is that all you think about?
She fell through the screen door and strained herself.
Don't run around with rakes least you find yourself falling on hard tines.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Why does something as beautiful as a sunrise always have to happen at such an ungodly hour?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy and other mornings I just let her sleep.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
I was so sad because I had no shoes. Then I meet a man with no feet. So I asked him, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said five. He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Did you hear Tony the tiger - the one from the cornflake ads -died. They say it was a cereal killer!!
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
What's the first thing a blond does when she wakes up in the morning? - Walks home.
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have his head up his ass; he suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible
I can please only one person per day. Today isn't your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good, either.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out?
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." -Anonymous
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." / "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
My wife and I have sex doggy fashion every night. I sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead!
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Down with gravity!
Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really doesn't matter.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. ....
Question: How would you describe a hostile takeover? Answer: First degree merger...
Successful acupuncture is a jab well done...
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Don't think that you're thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? (my personal favorite:)
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.
He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.
He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.
He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
The male is a domestic animal that can be trained to do most things.
You've heard of party animals? I'm a party vegetable.
Why don't they just hire taller dancers instead of having all ballerinas dancing around on their toes?
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A man usually feels better after a few winks. You betchya, especially when she winks back.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If you want my opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the usual forms.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Just remember, man who argue with his woman all day get no peace at night!
Practice random senselessness and act kind of beautiful.
Human, the only animal that can be skinned more than once.
Women will probably stop faking orgasms when men stop faking foreplay.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
It's not life's fast pace that gets you, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Belly dancing is where beginners start in the middle and work outward.
When a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Sects sects sects, is that all you think about?
She fell through the screen door and strained herself.
Don't run around with rakes least you find yourself falling on hard tines.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Why does something as beautiful as a sunrise always have to happen at such an ungodly hour?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Some mornings I wake up grouchy and other mornings I just let her sleep.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
I was so sad because I had no shoes. Then I meet a man with no feet. So I asked him, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said five. He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Did you hear Tony the tiger - the one from the cornflake ads -died. They say it was a cereal killer!!
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
What's another word for thesaurus?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
What's the first thing a blond does when she wakes up in the morning? - Walks home.
How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Energizer Bunny arrested charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He is not short; he is Anatomically Compact.
He does not have his head up his ass; he suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.
He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.
He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible