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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 7, 2004 14:22:29 GMT -5
KIDS IN CHURCH ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3-year-old, Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father was at the beach with his children when the four- year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 16:13:33 GMT -5
The major arcana is a teenager's life...
0-the fool : the new fresh pupil in secondary school
1-magician: the chemistry / physics / maths teacher
2-high priestess : the drama/ english/ language/ humanities teacher/ librarian
3-empress: the nurse / canteen lady
4-emperor: the director, wise, listening, strict but fair
5-hierophant: discipline supervisor: there are rules to be observed when one wants to grow in a given society
6-lovers: getting to know ur mates and choosing ur friends
7-chariot: the school bus, not to be missed! a question of organisation...
8-strength: peer pressure: how do you respond to it? by being agressive or by being a sheep?
9-Hermit: by being yourself & leading by example so the others can see your light shining &follow
10-WoF: a bike, a motorbike, a car: joys & sorrows.
11- Justice: what is fair, what is not? from which perspective, whose point of view?
12- Hangman: gym and sports to gain balance btw mind and body, and to impress others as well!
13-Death: the death of a friend: change in the way u see life: they were only 16/17, what was the purpose of such a short life? start thinking in the meaning of life
14-temperance: juggling btw studies, friends, family, and personal interests.
15-devil: discovering the material world, consumption: searching and finding what is important in life, having or being?
16-tower:detention while you had such an important rendez-vous with that very special friend...the end of the world for you!
17-star: but she waited for you, and have even prepared some drinks!
18-moon:deception in love, friendship, loyalty issues in the band, the group of friends, the 'herd'
19-sun: 18 / 21 years old! the world belong to you!
20-judgement: exams: got them!
21-world: end of school: a new life starts! Back to the beginning...
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 16:19:29 GMT -5
Do witches stay home on weekends? No. They go away for a spell
How do you make a witch scratch? Take away her "W"
When a witch lands, where does she park? In a broom closet.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom? She flies off the handle.
What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier? You hear the broom boom.
What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle? She got spaced out
Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime? "Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares."
How does a witch tell time? She looks at her witch watch.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry? They're afraid of flying off the handle!
What do witches use on their hair? Scare spray
Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away
What would you find on a haunted beach? A sand witch.
What did the bat say to the witch's hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
What does the Coven's softball team do on Halloween? They practice pitchcraft.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling!
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Post by TribalSpirit on Aug 8, 2004 20:50:30 GMT -5
cool, i liked the major arcana thing.... but the death card... about a friend dying at 16\17 does that happen alot or something??? it happened to my friend at that age but i didn't think it was so common to be mentioned...?
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 21:47:22 GMT -5
i know what you mean i would hope it wasnt that common
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 22:00:34 GMT -5
Where do pets come from?
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve
and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peathingys and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a nuts one way or the other
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 22:30:30 GMT -5
Company Policy
DRESS CODE : It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS : All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share
of the work is done enough.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Management
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 22:31:06 GMT -5
The Perfect High Priestess! {Humor}
The Perfect High Priestess' circles are always on time, and run exactly 20 minutes. She is deeply devoted to her tutelary (look it up) goddess, but never belittles other people's gods, not even the Sacred Dust Bunny. She works from 6 a.m. until midnight, and also sweeps up after circle and carries out the garbage.
The Perfect High Priestess excels in a demanding professional career, and donates all her time to community concerns. She came from humble origins and is always happy for a crust of bread, a rind of cheese, or a place on your sofa while she is on lavish book tours for her publisher, Harper Collins.
She has a big comfortable home which she always makes available to the community, and spends most of her time in study and personal work. She is quiet and unpretentious, she blends into the background, and her experience and power are apparent to anyone who meets her.
She cares nothing for appearances, wears good clothes, drives a good car,buys and loans out good books, and donates candles, altar cloths and incense to the coven. She is 39 years old and has 40 years experience in a previous life. Above all, she is beautiful and of course she is female.
The Perfect High Priestess has a burning desire to work with novices, and she spends most of her time with an authentic traditional coven. Her coven, which upholds the old customs of secrecy, is known and respected on several continents. She can be trusted with any private confidence, and is a generous fount of knowledge, on procedures, people and the gossip of the Craft, dating back to when Gerald was just back from Burma.
She smiles all the time with a straight face because she has a sense of humor that keeps her seriously dedicated to her Craft. She always attends local coffee cauldrons, festivals and workshops, and is always by the phone to be handy when needed.
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 23:30:44 GMT -5
YOU KNOW YOUR COVEN'S GETTING OLDER WHEN...
The ritual feast is puréed. Last Beltaine the coven decided it would be nice to go out to dinner to celebrate. The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your oxygen feeds got tangled Viagra is kept in the coven supplies The maiden of the coven is a grandmother The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock pages in the newspaper You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you did a Yule ritual You drop your teeth in the ritual cup At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild Hunt than you do in circle. You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but you can't remember why. You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of your neighbors noticed. You use Glenn Miller records for trance music. All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your pendant. No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since 1983. When you set comfy chairs around the circle. When you sit on the floor and can't get up again. You do anointings with Aspercreme. The oak tree your coven planted died of old age. You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you need to stay away from extra sodium. You use a walker during the Wild Hunt You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the bathrooms are closer. You need a flashlight to find the candles. You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale because you need the extra fiber
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 23:40:51 GMT -5
Safety Tips
A list of things NOT to do while celebrating Samhain!
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER, EVER go check to see if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even just mumbling to yourself, if you can't read silently you have no business with such a thing anyway!
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your pets speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to people who speak with somebody else's (usually deep) voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or even split up and go it alone.
6. As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, lights go on and off, a fire just appears in the hearth, or doors open and close by themselves - do not check for drafts, do not check for short circuits; just get out!
9 1/2. Why, why, why would you even think of sleeping in that house if that happened?
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around!
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. And even if you're sure you know what you're doing, just don't fool with it!
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
17 1/2. When the exorcist/whatever declares the house is "clear", your troubles have just begun.
18. Never look under the stairs. or the bed. or in the closet. or the cellar, attic.....you get the idea.
19. Don't take anything back to the lab that looks like it might hatch real soon - especially if it is transparent, something inside is moving, or it appears to be lighted from within. In the same vein, never bend over to look into anything that looks like an opening egg.
20. If you don't want to be chased by the monster (or serial killer, shark, alien, giant snake, radioactive ants, etc.)...don't wear skimpy clothes or wet T-shirts.
21. If you are being chased by a car, don't run into the building, the car will corner you and rev it's engine menacingly before destroying the house, business, police station, etc. Whereas, if you just run down the road it can't catch you.
22. Never unwrap the mummy. (See........Always good to have duct tape on-hand just in case something unravels)
23. Going faster than some barrier: sound, light, gossip...is generally bad news for someone somewhere.
24. When flying on an airplane, at night, in a storm, don't raise the shade to see what that noise out on the wing was.
25. Don't talk to sheriffs wearing reflecting sunglasses in towns that are so small the gas station has one pump.
26. Silver works - garlic doesn't.
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 8, 2004 23:58:37 GMT -5
Thought these were worth sharing!! Enjoy and get a lil giggle if nothing else LOL I did. * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. * The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. * There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead. * Life is sexually transmitted. * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. * The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
* Get the last word in: Apologize. * Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
* All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. * Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
* In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. * Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
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Post by KaiAidan on Aug 9, 2004 0:01:33 GMT -5
A Short Hot Love Story....
I shall seek and find you ... I shall take you to bed and control you ... You grunt and groan ... I will make you beg for mercy ... I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave. You will be weak for days. All my Love,
The Flu
And just what were you thinking?
Love Ya, Your friendly public health nurse:)
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Post by TribalSpirit on Aug 19, 2004 22:07:48 GMT -5
hahahha!! the matches n campfire thing cracks me up!!! haha. !!!! had a few bonfires lately mabye that's why!!!
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XFuLLm00nx
Senior Member
Goddess is alive and magick is about!
Posts: 734
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Post by XFuLLm00nx on Aug 23, 2004 1:49:36 GMT -5
hahaha ive bee on this one thread for like an hour reading all that!! haha that stuff is so funny! thanks for sharin KA!!!
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