Jokes posted by KaiAidan

[KaiAidan]

YOU KNOW SOMEONE IS NEW TO PAGANISM IF THEY THINK
THAT...

CRYSTAL CLEANSING is done with windex.

LAY LINES happen at the airports in Hawaii

A DOLMAN is a new brand of banana

APHRODITE is a type of pre-historic bird

CASTING is done with a fishing line or on a set in
Hollywood

WHEEL OF FORTUNE is a game show with Vanna White

CYCLES have to do with your washing maching and when
to add fabric
softner

A BOOK OF SHADOWS contains shilouettes of friends and
family members

ARCHETYPES are a type of building structure

A QUARTER is $.25 and buys a cop of coffee
(and obviousily, these people have not been out in
awhile)

PAN is something to fry food in

The BLESSED BE is the God of Insects

The only way to get into a CIRCLE is to have the right
of way

HANDFASTING is eating without utensils

A BRAZIER is support wear for women

CHARGING is done with a credit card or a battery

SKYCLAD is a shade of blue clothing

DEMETER is a place to park your car downtown

A TRAD is a type of geometric figure

[KaiAidan]

You Might Be A Redneck Pagan If
You know that you are a Redneck Wiccan if...

:

: 1) Your Althame is a lockblade

:

: 2) Your Ritual feast is a cola and a ding-dong

:

: 3) Your Alter is a Jack Daniels crate

:

: 4) Your familiars are named BUD or RED

:

: 5) You chalice is a old beer bottle

:

: 6) Your chewing tabacco doubles as your incense

:

: 7) You trip over a half burried car battery in mid ritual

:

: 8) You dismiss your guardians with a shotgun

:

: 9) You consider the two-step trance dancing

:

: 10) You use empty Skoal tins as offering plates

:

: 11) If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,

:

: 12) Or if you think a "family tradition" is a dating club..

:

: 13)If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,

:

: 14) Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter"

: and "Sweet Cheeks"....

:

: 15) If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it..

:

: 16) If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb..

:

: 17) If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",

:

: 18) if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the

: Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"....

:

: 19) if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest, Or if they chose their High

: Priestess at a wet t-shirt night..

:

: 20) If your annointing oil smells like "Old Spice"..

:

: 21) if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg..

:

: 22) If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,

:

: 23) If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley..

:

: 24) If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu..

:

: 25) if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV..

:

: 26) If your children and your dog have the same magical name (Skeeter! Get on over here and

: cast this circle!)..

:

: 27) If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"..

:

: 28) if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it..

:

: 29) If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it...

:

: 30) If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick and a 1-900 number..

:

: 31) if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500...

:

: 32) if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it, Or if your Sabbat

: Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon

: flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket..

:

: 33) If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name..

:

: 34) If you think charging is done with a Master Card..

:

: 35) Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it..

:

: 36) if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT neccesarily a redneck Pagan,

: but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well.....

:

: 37) if you Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson

:

: 38) if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-

: wrestling

:

: 39) If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl..

:

: 40) if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks..

:

: 41) If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's"

:

: 42) if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm quipment..

:

: 43) And finally, if you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that

: resembled the Willendorf Goddess, Or if you have EVER worked love magick on livestock.....

:

:

:

: ...AND FAILED...

:

[TribalSpirit]

hahahlol im cracking up!! lol that's really funny i like the newbie jokes hehe.

[KaiAidan]

THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL
Copyright 1993, John Shepard,
Performed at Dragonfest, August 1993

Materials required: On the altar there are brown candles; a
Tootsie Roll
(the
great big one -as the athame;) a large glass with milk in it, (the
chalice;)
A small dish of Nestle's Quik and a sthingy; a small dish of chocolate
sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:

(Take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me,
And as I will So Mote It BE!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
And make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll):

CALL THE QUARTERS:

Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!
Great prince of the palace of dessert.
Be present, we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all moochers
Approaching from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten One!
Great prince of the palace of decadence.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all diets
Approaching from the south.

Cocoa of the west, Satisfying One!
Great prince of the palace of thirst.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all carob
Approaching from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy.
Be present we pray thee,
And guard this circle from all cheap imitations
Approaching from the North.

MAIN RITUAL:

HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the
words
of the
Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called; Godiva, Ethel M, Sara
Lee,
Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:

HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while
and
better it
be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great
public
place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is
Queen of
all
Goodies.

In the Mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your
chocolate and
are
hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.

And you shall be free from depression, and as a sign that you are
truly
free,
you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall
munch, nosh,
snack, feast, and make yummy noises, all in my presence. For mine
is the
ecstasy of phenylalanine (FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN), and mine also is Joy
on
Earth,
yea, even into High Orbit, for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not
in your
hand."

Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you
or turn
you
aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is
the taste
that puts a smile on your lips and comfy, padding pounds on your
hips.

I am the Gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the
tummies of
men
and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and
beyond
death........well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.

I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a
business,
and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in
the dust
of whose
feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and
finer
stores
everywhere:

HPS: I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the
satisfying
softness of
big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside of
truffles, and
fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy
soul to
arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all
confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return,
again.....and
again..........and again..................and again

Before my smeared face, beloved of Women and Men, thine innermost
divine
self
shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.

Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all
acts of
yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be
gooeyness
and
mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces,
peanut
butter
and chocolate covered cherries all within you.

And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning
shall
avail
you not unless you know the Mystery; "We will sell no chocolate
until you
pay
for it."

For behold; I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I
am that
which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.

Messed Be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was
of old
called
Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many
other
names.

HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that
fell on
the
floor, but looks like it might not have gotten too dirty, and the
deepest
bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the
call of
chocolate, I will hunt you out and I will become your sacred prey.
I am
the
warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road
that
leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.

I give you, my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power
of jaw
strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the
shelter
of
Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me,
and I
instill in you my power; the power of a piece of chocolate that you
had
forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal
sight with
which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.

By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge
you; by
the
darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering
smell of
bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a
perfectly
swirled
vanilla butter cream, I charge you:

Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The
wealth in
your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take
joy in
that
first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying
slurp
of
Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is
called
"Baking Chocolate," for it is vile and bitter.

Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not
greedy,
but
let yourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone
else.

I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next
corner.
I am
the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your
hoard, I
will never be farther away from you than that 7-Eleven on the
corner. I am
the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get
quite
enough.
If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are
intertwined.


CUPCAKES & YOO-HOO:

(The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)

HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark
chocolate.

HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.

HP: For both are better than the falsely named 'white
chocolate,'

HPS: And neither one is carob.

HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake,

HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar.

BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for
there is
no
greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

(The blessing of the cupcakes)

HP: Frosting is keen,

HPS: And the filling is neat.

BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!

Feasting and drinking (chocolate liqueur, if possible,) music and
dance.


Dismiss Quarters.

HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the ______,
We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle
And ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms,
We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."

ALL: "Chooooc-laaate."

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final, satisfying
belch at
the
East.)

Close circle.

copyright August 1993, John L. Shepard. Permission is given to post
anywhere
as long as the content is not altered and this notice is attached.

[KaiAidan]

CAT STORY

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
evening. They turned on a night light, turned the
answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned
the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to
leave their house. The cat they had put out into the
yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because
"she"
always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the
taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty.She explains to the taxi driver that her
husband will be out soon."He's just going upstairs to
say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I
had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her
from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat
ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...

[KaiAidan]

Tigger's Full Moon Ritual, Grove of the Hundred Acre Wood.

Under the bright full moon, in the grove at the center of the Hundred
Acre Wood, the celebrants come together. Pooh, as summoner, bids them
to enter into the sacred pace. One by one, they file in and take
their places around the fire. And they wait, and wait and wait, and
wait.

"Oh Bother!" says Pooh. "Our High Priest is not here. However can we
hold our ritual tonight?"

And they wait some more. Then they hear a crash, and a crash and a
crash and a crash, and out of the brush explodes the High
Priest. "Wooohooohooohooo!!! Never fear! The night is clear, and
Tigger's here! Tiggers run on Pagan Standard time you know! Now let
the ritual begin!!!"

He looks to his left, and takes rabbits hand. "Hand to hand this
circle is cast"

Rabbit turns to his left, to Owl. "Hand to hand, this circle is cast"

Owl turns, and reaches down to Piglet. "Ahem. Now from hand to hand,
in a most wonderous way, a way that has a history that stretches back
into the dawn of time, to when ..."



"Oh yes. To you Piglet, hand to hand the circle is cast".

Piglet turns to Eyore. "Hand to...uh....er...em."

Eyore: "I don't have any hands. I guess I'm messing things up once
again" he pouts

Piglet, tho he is a little fellow, feels up to any challenge. "W w w
w w well then, hand to ear the circle is cast my friend".

And so, on it goes. "Woohoohoohoo" says Tigger. "The circle is cast,
our sacred space is whole. So Mote it Be!! Whoohoo!!"

"So Mote it Be" reply the others.

"And now, why don't we invite the elements to join us in our
celebration tonight? Rabbit?"

Rabbit: Guardians of the North, Element of Earth, wonderful earth
that gives forth carrots, oh beauteous, joyous, wonderful carrots, I
invite you to join us in our celebration tonigh t. Hail, and Welcome"

"Hail and Welcome" repeats the group.

Owl: "Ahem!!! Guardians of the East, Element of Air, the spirit of
our intelligence and wisdom, of which I of course am a prime example,
well read and studious as I am, a font of knowledge as it were, the
source for any information you may need, the..."



"Ahem, er, yes, Element of Air, we invite you to join us tonight.
Hail and Welcome".

"Hail and Welcome" repeats the group.

Piglet: "G g g guardians of the South, Element of Fire, I invite you
to join us tonight. I know I'm a little Piglet, but I have a b b b
big voice, and an even b b b bigger heart, s s so I know you' will
hear m m m me. H h h h hail and Welcome"

"Hail and Welcome" repeats the group.

Eyore: " Oh. I guess it's my turn. Not that anyone would really
listen to me, but it's my job so I'll do it. Guardians of the West,
Element of Water, I suppose I should ask you to join us tonight. And
I'll probably get all wet, and have to walk around all night,
smelling like wet fur. Oh well, Hail and Welcome I suppose".

"Hail and Welcome repeats the group.

"Woohoohoohoo!!! Now, if our sister Kanga can call upon the lady?"

Kanga: "Blessed Lady, Goddess of the moonlight, Mother of us all who
keeps us as Joeys in the pouch of her world. Oh, now Roo, you mustn't
do that. You mustn't play with the cleansing oil like that.

"But Mama......"

"Now Roo, behave. Thank you. Now, Blessed Mother, you know what
children are like, so I'll just go ahead and invite you to join with
us and lend your spirit to this joyous night. Hail and Welcome".

"Woohoohoohoo!!!. The circle is cast. The Lady is with us. Aint it
just grand?"

Tigger raises his arms to the sky, and starts to twirl, and starts to
bounce, and twirls and bounces, twirls and bounces, deosil around the
circle.

"Woohoohoohoo. The wonderful thi ng about witches, is witches is
wonderful things. They dance, they prance, they clap and sing. They
live a life of joy, peace and fun. But, the most wonderful thing
about witches is...I AINT the only one.

The wonderful thing about witches, is witches is wonderful folks.
They're serious when needed, but always quick with jokes. They honor
the Lord, they honor the lady. They love to lay in a field and bask
in the sun, or under a tree where it's shady. But, the most wonderful
thing about witches is, I AINT the only one.

The wonderful thing about Witches, is Witches have wonderful souls.
Their hearts will swell, they make folks well, and around campfires,
stories tell. They're happy, clappy, sometimes sappy, and when they
don't ground right, they're often zappy, but the most wonderful thing
about Witches is........I....AINT....The.....Only.....One.
Woohoohoohoohoo. Blessed Be!"

"Blessed Be" repeats the group.

"Oh, bother" says Pooh. "That is so silly. This is a ritual. I don't
think we're supposed to be silly, are we?"

"Au contraire my dear Pooh. Whoooohoooo!!!. We are willy nilly, and
silly, but we are celebrating the joy in our hearts, the zest for
life that we have, the energy that we share. We heal our souls with
happy fun, we set our spirits free to run, we live the beauty of the
moon and sun. We're Witches you know. hehe hehe. Now, please bring
forth the bread, wine and honey so we can complete our blessed night".

"Oh, Bother says Pooh. "The honey jar seems to be empty. I know there
was some here, when I checked its taste before ritual. Where ever
could it have gone? I guess I've ruined the ritual now. Oh bother, Oh
whoa".

"Woohoohoohoo, Christopher Robin is right you know, you really ARE a
silly old bear. We're together, with each other and with the Lady.
Honey would be nice I'm sure, but our ritual was good and lovely and
pure. Perhaps next time tho, you could brin g two jars?
Woohoohoohoo!!! Now, take this cup, and take this bread, and with all
being done and said, we are sisters and brothers, from last to first.
May you never hunger, may you never thirst. Woohoohoohoo!!!"

And so the cup is passed, and the bread to share, and not one thought
given to a worldly care.

"Woohoohoohoo!!! And now, let us end our Full Moon Ritual. Kanga?"

Kanga: "Thank you Tigger, and for behaving yourself, thank you Roo".

"Oh, Mama!!"

Kanga: "Blessed Lady, we thank you for your presence with us tonight,
tho like the good Mother you are, you are always with us, at least in
our hearts. Go if you must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Eyore: "Well, Water, I didn't think you'd come, but I guess it's nice
that you did. Go if you must, and you probably will, stay if you want
to. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Piglet: Element of Fire, I kn kn knew you would listen to my c c c
call. Thank you for c c c coming. Go if you must, stay if you will.
Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Owl: "Ahem!! Element of Air, I knew that you would come, as I'm wont
to know so many things, but I thank you none the less. Go if you
must, stay if you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

Rabbit: "Element of Earth, provider or carrots and cabbages and many
great thing, I thank you for coming tonight. Go if you must, stay if
you will. Hail and Farewell".

"Hail and Farewell" repeats the group.

"Woohoohoohoo. Just one more thing to do!! As hand to hand the circle
was cast, or hand to ear, or ear to hand, or from me to you and you
to me, it's time from hand to hand the circle set free". Tigger turns
to Pooh. "Hand to hand, the circle is opened". And so in Widdershins,
on it goes. "Woohoohoohoo, and now we're thru. Unlike my furniture, < BR>and many other things as well, the circle is open, yet never broken.
So Mote It Be!!!"

"So Mote It Be!!!" shouts the group.

Tigger starts to bounce, the others to smile and look about. "Now,
music laughter and dance, this is it, this is your chance. Tiggers
are excellent drummers you know. Woohoohoohoo!!!!"

And the sounds of drumbeats and laughter are heard all thru the night
and all thru the Hundred Acre Wood.

Dream Dancer 8-20-2000

[KaiAidan]

In Honor of Stupid People

This is way to funny not to share.
In Honor of Stupid People

In case you needed further proof that the human race
is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual
label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(d**n, and that's the only time I have to work on my
hair).

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Mark & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit
curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for
this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening
somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn
to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)...in
other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile
every once in a while.

[KaiAidan]

Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and
after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will
do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character
lines.

[KaiAidan]

i dont know if you will think this in inapproprite if it is I will nor post anything else like it but it was too funny I was rolling lol

What does a Kiss Taste Like

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
She picked a little boy to do the first test. She
blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and
asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your
daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room, yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

[KaiAidan]

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter,
Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way,
however, although she is a straight A student and a
very bright child, she has some strange habits that I
feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking
around the classroom with her pencil held in the air.
She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her
that her Art Class is in an hour and to please refrain

from doing any drawing until then.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night
sky, she insists on drawling little circles around all
the stars and people dancing on the ground. And that
brings up dancing, I had to stop her twice for
taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around
the Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad"
mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always
find her sitting outside during recess with her
friends sitting around her in a circle.
She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice
how she wants no one to ever thirst or hunger.
However, when I walked over to see what they were
doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a
little plastic knife and started waving it in front of
me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her
to the Principal's Office. She explained to the
Principal that she was "opening the Circle" to let me
in. She also said that her Mommy and Daddy always
told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her
hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't
know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps

it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some
whoppers. Just yesterday, as I was reprimanding little
David Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started
screaming and ran from the room. When I finally
caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the
rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger
at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained
to him that the Sally Jones incident was just
a coincidence, and that things like that don't really
happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I
asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations
for the classroom. Aradia brought in salt, incense
and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of
humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very
argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule
was (Do Unto others as you would have them Do Unto
You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was
"Do As you will, but Harm None" and she will not stop
saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class.
I try correct her on these matters and
she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and
mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set
up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next
week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you
sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash
that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting
or closing from your country that your daughter
informs me is polite and correct.

[KaiAidan]

Yuppie Pagans

How to tell if you are a yuppie pagan:

Your ritual wear comes from Neiman-Marcus
Your altar comes from Pier One
Your chalice is Waterford
You think "invoking the spirit" means opening the Dom Peringon
You simply can't use any water other than Perrier

Techno Pagans

How to tell if you are a techno pagan:


You call your corners on a cellular phone
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa
You use a remote control in place of an athame
You download your book of shadows (ask some of the witchschool
students about this one lol)
You cast your circle in a chat room (um yeah)
Your familiar is a mouse
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get
dressed for a computer. (sometimes lol)
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor (well duh- if
there's a storm you don't want your "circle" to be destroyed)
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all
the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del

[KaiAidan]

Dear Goddess, Astrological Signs

ARIES: Dear Goddess, please give me patience...and could you do it
right now?
TAURUS: Dear Goddess, help me accept change, but not too quick.
GEMINI: Dear Goddess! Who is Goddess? Where is Goddess? Why is
Goddess?
CANCER: DEAR GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LEO: Yes?
VIRGO: Dear Goddess, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like
You did the last time!
LIBRA: Dear Goddess, please help me to be decisive, but on the other
hand, what do You think is best?
SCORPIO: Our Mother, an' it harm none, even though the bastards
deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS: Dear Goddess, if I've told you once, I've told you a
million times....help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN: Dear Goddess! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I
learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS: Dear Goddess, I know I like change, but this chaos is
ridiculous!!
PISCES: Dear Goddess, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of
Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation in Your honor.

[KaiAidan]

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS RITUAL

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical
brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.

Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

"LATTE"

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

"MOCHA"

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

"CAPPUCHINO"

Bring it across to your right shoulder:

"FRAPPUCHINO"

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

"ARABICA, OH MAN!"

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"

"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"

"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"

"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"

"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"

"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee
Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like

[KaiAidan]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G. !)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A thingyroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home. maybe at work.)


T he male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people l ike that too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

(What about that pig??)




Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone.

[KaiAidan]

TEACHERS DILEMMA




After being interviewed by the school administration,
the eager teaching prospect said:



"Let me see if I've got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids,
and
fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning.

And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their
ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for
signs of abuse
and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress
habits.

You want me to check their backpacks for weapons of

mass destruction, raise their self esteem, and wage

a war on sexually transmitted diseases and drugs.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship,
sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how
to
balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe
environment,

recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice,
write letters
of recommendation for student employment and
scholarships,
encourage respect for the cultural diversity of
others, and make
sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent
of my attention.

My contract requires me to work on my own time after
school, evenings and weekends grading papers.

Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own
expense
working toward advance certification and a Masters
degree.

And on my own time you want me to attend PTA, faculty
and
committee meetings, and participate in staff
development training.

I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such
that my very presence will awe my students into
being obedient and respectful of authority.

And I am to pledge allegiance to family
values and this current administration.

You want me to monitor web sites, incorporate
technology into
the learning experience, and relate personally with
each student.

That includes deciding who might be potentially
dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.

I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory
state exams, even those who don't come to school
regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with
handicaps get an equal education regardless of
the extent of their mental or physical handicap.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents
by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a
bulletin board,
a few books, a computer, a big smile, AND on a
starting
salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me
NOT TO PRAY?"